Saturday, November 13, 2010

Why women hate women?

   Sounds familiar or absurd? Well if you’re a woman, I’m sure it doesn’t sound all that absurd. At some point of time in life, you too must have taken that instant dislike to some fellow woman for no apparent reason. Mind you, I’m saying apparent, but deep down you might even know the reason, but choose to ignore it. May be she has a better face, better body, better job, better salary, better house OR this one’s gonna hurt, better boyfriend. By now we all know there is no such thing as a better husband.
Have you ever realized:
  • How if you were to be given a choice to pick a co-worker, between one male and one female, you would, most of the times, automatically pick the male?
  • How if you were to give a girl or a guy your car to drive, you would throw the keys towards the guy faster than he or she can say, "Sure I’ll drive"?
  • How if your cable company sent you a female technician to fix a technical glitch, you’d be surprised and instantly express your doubts about her capabilities, in a not so subtle way by nudging your poor husband in the ribs?
  • How, way back in school and college, you felt your female professors always favored the guys?
  • Imagine you're having one of your small coffee breaks/ gossip sessions at the office vending machine with your gang of girls and a gorgeous woman passes by. Men are not the only ones checking her out. You and your gang of girls do it too, but only with the purpose of finding faults. Her top is too tight, her hair is messy, shoes are out of fashion and so on and so forth.
   Bottomline is we women bitch too much and worse we bitch the most about each other. In one movie that I recently saw, called "Mean Girls", one of the female teachers conducts an impromptu attitude adjustment session for the entire female population. She asks everyone to close their eyes and raise their hands if they've ever felt that their female friends have bitched about them behind their backs. Not surprisingly, all the girls open their eyes to find each hand in the auditorium raised. Then she asks them to close their eyes again and raise their hands if they have ever bitched about their female friends behind their backs. No points for guessing that once again they all open their eyes to see each and every hand raised. Says it all about female mentalities right?
   But have you ever wondered, why our brains work this way, why instead of admiring the women who’ve done better than us and empathizing with the not so lucky ones, we’re jealous of the former and gloat at the latter? I have! Many times over, but never really found any logically satisfying answer. And then one fine day when I was watching TV, I came across this movie being aired, in which a divorced women’s group met every once in a week to discuss their problems, share it, more like, exchange advice and basically do everything else that divorced women are likely to do together. Something about what one of them said hit me, hit me hard! According to her, we women are raised to perceive each other in a certain way, to hate each other since childhood. It’s engrained in our systems; we don’t even realize we are doing it. We might be staunch bra-burning, protest marching, loud thinking, screaming from the rooftops feminists, but we still hate the next girl’s guts. And the answer is simple; it’s because we're so used to seeing each other as competition. It starts right from school where the competition is for scoring better in exams, getting male attention, then for a better college, better job, better husband, better this better that.
   When will we give it a rest? Only after we rest? We women have enough issues to deal with already; female infanticide, sexism, eve-teasing, molestation, rape, dowry, the list is endless. Wouldn’t it be better if we all could always bank on each other at least for support, for comfort, for empathy? Who would understand better than another woman? That’s what girl friends and agony aunts are for right? Why don’t we start seeing each woman we meet as a potential best friend rather than competition? I know it's extremely diffcult to change deepset attitudes even if they are towards one own gender. It might be too late for some of us OR may be not.

8 comments:

  1. Manasi, this issue is 'talked' about a lot but not written about a lot ! and you do have the frankness, honesty and courage to accept this, and WRITE about it. so three cheers !! and as always, love the way you write !

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  2. Nicely written article Manasi. Just another thought, maybe we only 'hate' those women who we feel are a threat to our position be it at work (colleague who is at similar position) , mom-in-laws( fear of losing son to another women) etc. Women probably are good friends when they don't feel threatened or challenged . As far as the men our concerned , we usually yield much easily coz as a women have always been subordinates to men. We are so used to giving into men that we prefer them over women.

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  3. @Pallavi: Thnx. I agree with you, infact that is 1 point I missed mentioning. In most cases I guess we don't feel that way about our female friends.
    But about men I don't agree, I don't think women in general prefer men when it comes to friendship. I guess we don't look at men in the same way because, there is no real competition. Men are a different species altogether when it comes to competition, may be that's why we don't see them as competition e.g. some very important things that women compete over like looks, doesn't hold water when it comes to men-women competition.

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  4. I think men and women all hate anybody who makes them feel insecure. Women seem to have a lot more to feel insecure about. Little girls hear a lot about what they little control over matters, (a lot more than little boys do) Things like their skin colour or their physical beauty for example. They have to live for the approval of an entire community. Everybody watches how loud they laugh, how they dress, who they talk to...

    Marriage is their goal and divorce or being abandoned until recently was seen as shameful but only for women. Widowhood was also the end of a woman's life while men could remarry. All this made being happily married very crucial for women. And since a lot of this is not in their control - they become insecure.

    Women are also brought up to believe that finding a partner and 'keeping him' is their ultimate goal in life. The schools they attend, how they talk (softly), walk, look, respond to questions (always respectfully), the careers they choose (not modeling and not jobs that might make them travel too much and neglect their husband and in laws) - everything is done keeping the comfort and approval of a future husband and his family in mind.

    So is it not natural that women see 'getting and staying married' as settling down and as the most important thing in their lives? But unfortunately the partners they are looking for have been taught to put their careers and 'bread winning' as their goals in life. (Some men may not like to make careers, but they are given no choice, homemaking, raising children is seen as emasculating and also as inferior, unpaid jobs). The partners they fast,pray and work to one day find are taught to remember that they must not become 'joru ka gulaam' or forget their priorities (their parents and families) - so although they too want life partners - they are not ready to give as much as they expect to get.
    They expect tot be the top priority in their spouse's life but they are told she should not be their top priority or she might take them away from their parents. (But they are also told she must leave her parents, friends and family for them.) This naturally makes them take the woman a little for granted. This also makes the woman rather insecure. Patriarchy also keeps women dependent on sons and brothers - making them worry if their spouses might 'take them away'.

    Basically the entire system puts women one against another. In a traditional set up they struggle for the approval of the male and more powerful members of the family. The respect and awe for male members at home and the insecurity and lack of self worth of the female members at home passes on from one generation to another. Even when they know they need not depend on male approval, the insecurity remains. The spouse is still being brought up not to forget his parents come before his wife, and they are still being told the spouse is their world.

    They also know that unlike a man who can walk out on an unfaithful wife (or honor-kill or throw her out etc) a woman is more likely to be blamed for not making her marriage/relationship work. And then there maybe financial dependence. So more insecurity.

    Often the insecurity and 'meanness' against other women is a result of centuries of deeply ingrained social conditioning. Women don't really hate each other. Have you seen 'Mirch Masala' or 'Delhi 6'? A 'Thousand splendid suns' is my favorite story of women-bonding. Do read it you will love it.
    'Sex and the City' is also about women bonding. It seems women bond even when there is so much insecurity and dependence. And men bitch as much as women do - they have fought wars, fought duels, killed or got killed - but we ignore it as male aggression.

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  5. @IHM: I totally agree with you on this : "Often the insecurity and 'meanness' against other women is a result of centuries of deeply ingrained social conditioning. Women don't really hate each other".
    I'm not saying women always hate each other, I've seen wonderful examples of women bonding in real life too, me and some of my best friends included :). But our general attitude towards other women who don't instantly become our friends is many-a-times hostile, and you hit the bull's eye when you said it's because of years and years of social conditioning, the way society treats us, not just men but women too. But I guess we cannot always blame social norms for it, women themselves need to change, feel more secure about themselves and their station in life, empathize with each other and give up that unnecessary competitive instinct. At the end of the day if we are happy within and love ourselves, no one, should affect us.

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